Chapter Text
The screams from the forest continue for the next two minutes, wails of incoherent agony as Tytann is ripped apart by the scavengers of the fields. Sollux curls deeper into himself; even he knows that the older goldblood isn’t surviving whatever is happening to him, and you don’t blame him. You’ve grown used to this, you’ve even seen it happen to stupid newcomers who didn’t follow the rules, but you know that it’s still a terrible, undignified way to die.
There’s no prejudice when it comes to dying in Vilebirth. It doesn’t care what you are, but it also doesn’t care what happens to you. You could be a blood heiress and it would still turn a blind eye to your cries for help. Not all that different from the outside world, but without casteism. Instead, you get fatalism and hedonism which results in a lot of assholes who let their sick desires run wild and don’t give a f*ck when someone gets hurt or dies, because everyone’s going to die sometime, and there’s nothing no one can do about it.
Tytann’s wails slowly peter off, drowned out by the rain, and you finally feel the breath building in your lungs release through your nose. You hadn’t even realized you’d been holding it in. If you hold it again, you swear you can hear the ripping and crunching of a feeding frenzy deep in the woods, and you know the buffet you left scattered across the parking lot will attract them like buzzers to a pile of hoofbeast sh*t.
Panting, you catch a glimpse of yourself in a puddle as you look down. Your eyes are wild and you’re covered in blood. There are cuts all over your arms and face, and as you watch, they slowly stitch shut and the rain washes the dirt and grime of your victory away.
You are not a violent troll. Even when you were a Runner, you never enjoyed fighting in theory. Well, the intoxicating rush was always a welcome relief, but when you came down from it, you didn’t like how the blood and the sweat and strain felt on your body. You never liked it, but most nights, you couldn’t help but wonder if that was just you trying to convince yourself that you don’t like it.
Wiping the rain and blood out of your eyes, you turn back to Sollux. He’s still curled up in a fetal position, holding his ribs as he takes slow, shaky breaths. He’s trembling, and when you rest a hand on his shoulder, he flinches away with a terrified whimper.
“Hey…” You don’t touch him, but you move into his line of vision, kneeling on the pointy asphalt. “Can you breathe?”
“Hhhnnnh…” He curls in further, shaking. His leg is still bleeding and you can see a smoking hole in his shirt, directly over his ribs. You don’t need empath powers to tell that he’s in a great deal of pain, and not just the physical kind. The way he curls into himself, pressing an arm over his eyes despite not being able to hide how tightly grit his teeth are…
He’s not just hurt, he’s ashamed. You don’t know why, but you figure his ego’s been bruised enough alongside his ribs, and leaving him to spiral here isn’t right, either.
“Okay… okay, okay, I got this…” You look up at the field and see the shadows lurking under the glow cast by the clouds reflecting the district lights. Red eyes watch you hungrily. “Um, hey, I gotta get you out of here before you end up getting eaten, too.”
No lucid response is returned. If anything, or suggestion only makes Sollux retreat further into himself, his breathing coming out thick and painful, his wide eyes seeing nothing as his fingers press into his upper arms.
From across the street, the grass starts rustling and you can see the scavengers peering out through the gaps between the reeds. They must be drooling at the sight, two perfect little morsels ripe for the snatching, and Sollux’s rapidly-mounting panic probably makes him seem even more irresistible to them.
“Okay, okay, I’m still here.” Gently, you reach out, keeping your hand in his line of sight as you move it to rest on his shoulder. “You’re going to be okay. I’m going to get you out of here, but we need to get out of this stupid parking lot first.”
Sollux’s body rises and falls with each shaky breath, and he winces as you gently rub his shoulder with your thumb, using a wing to block him from view. You can still hear the scavengers watching from across the parking lot, and look up to face the field. You don’t know why they’re waiting, but you sure as hell aren’t complaining. But even so, you don’t have the time you wish you had, and if you stay here to help him, it won’t end well.
“Can you hear me?”
There’s a moment of stillness, and you’re met with a weak nod. The rise and fall of his shoulder slowly evens out.
“Can you breathe?”
“... My ribs are f*cking broken.” His voice still sounds brittle, but that sarcastic edge is back. “What the hell do you think?”
“Do you think you can make it until I get you someplace safe? We’re still not safe here.”
“Why? I’m an ‘outsider’, right? I would think you guys would be happy to see one of us getting our ‘just desserts’ or whatever.”
“Would you do that to me if our positions were swapped?”
“...”
“Exactly. I’m not bitter enough to leave a kid whose only flaw is his smartass mouth to be torn to shreds.” You hold out a hand. “Can you move at all?”
“Yeah, I would be lying in the rain if I could move. I am totally doing all of this by choice. I totally woke up last week and decided that I was going to spend my night getting my ass kicked and lying in a heap in a parking lot in bumf*ck nowhere making a fool out of myself in front of you.”
“Do you ever say anything that isn’t sarcastic?”
“Noooo, this is my perfectly genuine tone of voice. I am totally being genuine right now. Me? Sarcastic? Never!” He places a hand on his chest in mock offense, only to resume holding his ribs with a groan of pain. “f*ck…”
“You’re being difficult.”
“Your face is being difficult.”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re a snarky loner asshole with a reputation to uphold, I get it.” You gesture out to the streets. “They won’t give a sh*t about it though. They’ll probably be more perturbed about how bony you are when they try to eat you.”
“Are you trying to make me feel better?”
“Would I even be able to do that?”
“f*ck you.”
“You’re welcome.” The rustling is getting closer. “Okay, Sollux, I don’t mean to rush you but we really gotta get going. I can do a quick fix for your ribs but then we have to get the hell outta dodge so I can fix everything else.”
“Why don’t you just leave without me?”
“Oh my god-” You rub a hand down your face with a groan. “Dude, I’m not going to ditch you. If you’re trying to out-stubborn me, then I suggest you give up right now because whether you like it or not, I am at least getting you out of the parking lot.”
“Why?” Sollux demands, cutting off with a hiss of pain. “f*ck-Why are you being so stubborn about helping me? You are aware of what I am, right?”
“And you’re aware of what I am. Does that change anything?”
“...”
“Exactly. Now hold still so you don’t end up with a rib bone through your lung.”
“Can you just-gh!” He flinches as you rest your hand on his ribs. “Why are you so stubborn about helping me? You barely even know me.”
“Because the last time we met, my caretakers killed the one person who gave a quarter of a sh*t about me and then I killed them.” Green light flows into his body, cutting through the fog as you spare occasional glances up at the field. “Life since then has been dead end after dead end and I’ve had to do… desperate things to stay alive. Why? I dunno. Maybe I’m stubborn, maybe it’s spite, maybe I’m actually just as scared to die as you are, who can say?”
“I’m not-”
“Don’t lie, Sollux.” You can feel the bones in his body mending, but you don’t have time to make it a proper fix. “It’s not a good look on you.”
“I’m built like a toothpick, nothing looks good on me.”
“A’ight, you greasy prick, what’s it gonna be? You wanna live, or would you rather freeze?”
Saying that seems to jog something, because instead of continuing his scowl, Sollux’s eyes become more searching, and as he looks over you, they widen in surprise.
“... Wait, are you-?”
You huff, rolling your eyes. You were wondering when he would finally figure it out.
“Took you long enough to figure it out, but I guess I’ve changed a lot since then. Doesn’t help that I look like a default character customization setting, but I digress.”
“You grew your hair out,” is all he seems to have to say.
“Yeah. And you cut yours.”
“God, don’t look at it.” Once again, Sollux looks like he wants to die on the spot, messing with his bangs. “It sucks, you don’t have to say anything…”
“Meh, we’ve all had that one self-done haircut.” You lift your hand, watching the last wisps of energy seeping into his side. “How does that feel?”
“I’ve dealt with worse, I guess.” Sollux takes a deep breath and sits up, wincing. “So now what’re you gonna do? Fight those things?”
“Ha! No.”
“But you just-”
“Yeah, no, sorry, no one can fight these things, and honestly? We’re better off getting the f*ck out of here and just leaving the problem to some other poor schmuck who gets stuck with the shadows in the fields.”
“The what.”
“Local urban legend. Although that implies that they aren’t real and uh… yeah.” You look up. Shadows are starting to breach the grass, quadrupedal shapes slowly stalking across the road. “Okay, let’s go. I gotta grab my bag first, but then we can dip.”
“You know, we’re breezing past the fact that there’s flesh-eating monsters in the field-”
“There’s no time, we gotta go.”
“It’s fine, I can get home by myself.”
“With all due respect, Sollux, you have several bruised ribs, a bad leg and a nullification collar digging into your neck. You’ll make it to the upper sectors if you’re lucky and from what I’ve gathered in the past thirty minutes alone-” You gesture at him- “You would not be pulling any big numbers in gambling, if you catch my drift.”
“I’m serious. I can do this by myself. Thanks for your help and all that, but I’ve got it from here.” Sollux makes an effort to get off the ground, but collapses back on his ass with a hiss of pain. “f*ck, I thought you healed me!”
“I only have time to patch up the cracks, but you’re still pretty hurt. I can literally get you all the way to the gate and then you can go home and do whatever you do, free of charge.” You put his glasses back on his face. “There.”
“For f*ck’s sake…” Sollux mutters, “I’ve got this You’re done. You may go. Goodbye.”
“You can barely stand.”
“I said, I’ve got this.”
“Jeez, you’re stubborn.” Rolling your eyes, you stand and stretch. “Well, if you’re going to be this way, then I guess I gotta be stubborn right back.”
“You don’t have to coddle me like some grub! Just let me-ACK!” He cuts off with a high-pitched shriek as you loop one arm under his knees and the other under his back. He’s taller than you, but surprisingly light as you lift him off the ground and carry him back into the store. “What the fu-Put me down!”
“Nope.”
“This is harassment!”
“You are very light. And skinny.”
“Pot, kettle, asshole, put me down right now!”
“Okay.” You place him on the counter, and when he makes a move to get down, you jab a finger at him. “Stay there.”
Sollux blinks again, staring at you incredulously, but he doesn’t argue as you use the shadows to drop your bag onto the counter. Wuzzy sits among the medical kits and your bag of coins.
Through the rain, the dark shadows from the fields dart out, running across the parking lot at speeds that turn their images into blurs among the pouring rain.
“And that,” you say, shouldering your bag, “Is our cue to leave.”
You lean forward, the shadows rising up to envelop you and Sollux as he quickly reaches up to put his arms around your neck, and just as the scrape of claws rapidly approaches, the two of you are falling into darkness again.
There’s a buzz in your head as you blink your eyes, tasting sour metal and ozone on your dry lips. The single overhead light flickers, and your fingers brush against fallen boxes and bottles of cleaner fluid. The edge of some kind of shelf presses against the back of your neck, and you can feel something warm on top of you as you try to move your legs. There’s no point in moving your wings, this space is too cramped for them, anyway.
“Ow…”
Once again, Sollux is lying on top of you, and he also seems to be coming back into consciousness, lifting his head as his eyes flicker back to life, illuminating your face with a neon red and blue glow. He hisses through his teeth, forehead pressing against your collarbone, and you look down to make sure his leg isn’t badly hurt. You wish you could have healed him in the parking lot, but with the scavengers so close, there was no time for that.
“Agh, my head…” He rubs his head with a groan. “Where are we?”
“Looks like some kind of supply closet.” You look up at the shelves of spare towels, soap and cleaning supplies. “Hopefully we’re far from the store, though, I’m definitely fired after someone sees the state it’s in, but hey, I’m not about to be the one to clean it up.”
Sollux blinks, before looking down and immediately backing off of you, eyes flickering as he smacks against the shelf, prompting another jolt of pain. “I swear, if you’re doing this on purpose-!”
“It’s only weird if you make it weird, man. And for the record, you used me as a cushion to break your fall, so how is this my fault?”
“f*ck you, I’m not-I don’t-!” Sollux stammers, clearly trying to save face, “You’re the one who did some weird shadow magic or whatever, I had nothing to do with this!”
“Says the guy who put his arms around me.”
“So I wouldn’t get sucked into some weird alternate dimension bullsh*t!”
“Would you rather our positions be switched? Would that magically make everything less awkward?” You cross your arms. “Because I don’t think me straddling you will make this better.”
Sollux glares down at you before turning away in defeat. “You suck.”
“Mmmhm.” You raise an eyebrow and he shoots back a glare.
“Stop looking at me like that! Don’t read into it!”
“I won’t read into it if you stop making a big deal out of it.”
“Again, f*ck you.”
“Sorry for saving your ass back there, pal.” You sit up, flicking a small bottle of hand sanitizer off yourself, and help him to his feet. Cracking the door open, you look around before beckoning Sollux to follow you.
The two of you seem to be in one of Vilebirth’s few fancy hotels, the ones that are closer in quality to the ones that you’ve heard exist in the Alternian mainland, although it’s still messy and dingy. The tile is a dirty white and cracked like the teal-painted walls, water damage and cracks in the pain ruining what would’ve been a homely design. A small sign on the wall says “The Blue Hour”.
Trying not to look suspicious, you sneak Sollux down the hall to the main foyer, silently cursing the drops of water leading from the closet. To your relief, the old mutant lady sitting at the reception desk doesn’t seem to notice either of you, flipping through a magazine with a cigarette clutched between two painted nails.
“Okay, just play it casual,” you whisper.
“Yeah, I totally look casual. This-” Sollux gestures at the collar and his bloodied leg- “Is totally how someone casual looks. This is so casual, I deserve a f*cking award for how casual I look right now.”
“In Vilebirth, you only stand out if you don’t look a little banged up.” You cough into your hand before Sollux can protest, and that seems to get the lady’s attention as you lead him forward towards the reception desk. He grumbles under his breath the entire time, but doesn’t fight back as you bring him to stand beside you.
The receptionist looks the two of you over, taking in your soggy hair and clothes as well as the bruises and blood on Sollux’s face and the collar on his neck, but she doesn’t comment verbally, although her eyes are judging as they sweep over him. The symbol on his shirt definitely isn’t helping.
“You know the price. 2400 per night, per person.” Her sharp, mint green eyes, too neon to pass for a tealblood, lock onto your acquaintance, who visibly shrinks down under it. “No culling is allowed on the premises, we don’t have the resources to wash blood out of the sheets.”
“I’ve got enough.” Sollux tries to protest but you put the money down on the counter before he can get a single word out. “Just one night for both of us.”
“Rooms come with a bath.” She looks the two of you over, gaze skeptical. “The walls are thin here, so I suggest the two of you stay quiet. We have a very short-tempered guest list today.”
“God damnit, we’re not-!” Sollux nearly starts, but you slap a hand over his mouth as the lady raises an eyebrow. He makes a muffled noise of indignity but you start shoving him towards the hallway before she can tell him what she really thinks of outsiders under all that professionalism and jaded indifference.
“We’ll be off now, thanks.”
“Enjoy your room. Try not to die.”
The halls of this hotel are simple, the dirty pearl tile clashing with the dim turquoise walls cut through with accents of pink. The doors are of mahogany, and you pull Sollux along to avoid having to tell him to ignore all the noises. Not even the rickety elevator can provide lasting reprieve and the two of you are soon on the 14th floor and you take Sollux by the arm of his shirt and drag him past the other rooms. Both of you are both swimming in second-hand embarrassment as you make it to the end of the hall, which seems to be mostly empty aside from the two of you.
“I can’t believe this,” Sollux mutters as you scan the key and open the door. It seems the reality of his situation is finally starting to hit. “This isn’t real, this can’t be real-”
“Well, it is.” You tug him inside and close the door, locking it for good measure. “This is real, this is really happening.”
The room is small and dirty, with chipped white paint and a single elevated mattress pressed against the wall under the window. There’s a door leading to a dingy but manageable bathroom illuminated by a single hanging lamp that nearly smacks Sollux in the face as he peers in with you. The tub is big enough for two fully-grown trolls, and when you back out, there’s a small vending machine holding packaged instant noodles and other cheap foods. You don’t think you want to eat those.
Outside the rain makes the lights of Vilebirth illuminate the dark room with a cold, dull glow, mixing with the gloomy grays of the sky as the sun fails to break through the clouds that protect the city from the burning, unforgiving rays.
“Okay…” You stand in the middle of the room, stretching. “I think we’re safe here.”
There’s no reply. Sollux limps over to the mattress and drops down onto it, flopping backwards with an exhausted groan that turns to a growl of pain as the skin of his neck stretches under the collar.
“Holy crap, this is really happening… I’m stuck in Vilebirth with some perverted weirdo who can come back from the dead and has creepy shadow witch powers…”
“First of all, you’re the one assuming everything’s pervy. I’ve been trying to make everything not pervy.” You wipe the rainwater off of your arms. “We should probably get that thing off you before you choke on it in your sleep.”
“I’ll be fine,” Sollux insists, rubbing his neck. “I have tools at home, I can get it off myself-”
“And how are you going to get back?”
The question seems to catch Sollux off-guard, seeing as he can’t immediately hit you with another snarky comeback.
“I can take the train.”
“The sun is out. The clouds here are the only thing keeping it from burning us alive during the day.”
Sollux looks down at the floor, fingers interlocking and coming apart as he lightly bites his lip.
“Dude…” You sigh. “I promise there is no ulterior motive here, I just want to help.”
“And maybe I don’t want to be helped, ever think of that? I’m sick and tired of being f*cking pitied like this! The last thing I need is for someone to think I asked for any of this. I never asked for my blood color, I never asked for the sh*t hand life dealt me, and I sure as hell never asked to be hunted just because I made some older wrigglers look bad!” He gestures at his collar. “Yeah, I get it, I f*cked up and now I’m paying for it, I don’t need it to be rubbed in my face! Especially by someone who’s acting like she can read my f*cking mind! I already know someone who can control it, so I would appreciate if people could keep their fingers out of my think pain for just two seconds and just let me do what I need to do without acting like-!”
You’ve had just about enough of being accused of looking down on him, so you pick Sollux up again and carry him into the bathroom. He protests like a drenched meowbeast the entire time, but the moment you place him in the tub, you lean in and press your hands onto his, unfurling your wings. He immediately shuts up, whatever he was about to say abruptly cutting off as you get up in his face.
“Look, I don’t want to impose this on you, but if you leave that thing on, something is going to get into the open wound and then you’re going to find out what a Vilebirth infection feels like. Got one once, it is a very unpleasant thing to have. So please, let me remove the collar and heal you or so Gl’bgolyb cull me I will make you do it with my bare hands.”
“Uh-”
“I don’t pull promises out of my ass. I swear on my life that I want to help.”
“That’s a big word to throw around,” Sollux replies, but he doesn’t sound as snappy as he did thirty seconds ago.
“It’s also one I don’t throw in people’s faces unless I know I can make good on them. Now do you want the collar off or not?”
Sollux seems to weigh his options, scouring your face for any sign of deception, but he eventually exhales through his nose with a grimace and nods, albeit with a grumpy scowl. You let go of his wrists and step back so he can prop himself up on his elbows.
“You’re really weird. Like, if we were in a contest of weirdness, you would blow everyone else away with how weird you are. Like, we would have to open a net above you to give you and dump a bunch of awards on you for being weird.”
“Wouldn’t doing that f*ck up my think pan?”
“I mean-”
“Nah, fair, I probably can make it more f*cked up than it already is. Definitely got a few something somethings loose in there after all the smacking around I’ve gotten. Some lady stabbed me through the head once.”
“You really are weird. I know a lot of weird people but none of them are as weird as you.”
“Thank you. I will be on the roster from the fifteenth bilunar perigee with a show every evening for the entire week, concluding with an explosive display of blood, death and violence in our own specialty, Bloody Nights! Shows start at midnight, doors will be locked after eleven-thirty. Be sure to get your digital passes early, or be prepared to fight for the good seats. We always love a little pre-show entertainment to herald in tonight’s sad collection of unlucky bastards running for their lives and for profit.”
You wish you could immortalize the look of pure disbelief on Sollux’s face as he looks up at you as if you really do have three heads. It’s not even disgust, which is the norm, just pure, confused disbelief. If any expression could say “what the f*ck”, it would be the one he is giving you right now.
“Literally what the f*ck is wrong with you.”
“You have no idea.” You throw in a snappy finger gun in Sollux’s direction and grin as he bites down a snort. “And apparently I’m hella f*cking hilarious, too. You seem like a tough crowd, so I’ll take that as flattery.”
“Shut up, you just caught me off-guard!”
“Shut up, you find me at least a little entertaining.”
“In your dreams.”
“Fake-ass liar, I saw you smiling.”
Sollux huffs. “But seriously, was that supposed to be a joke or did you somehow manage to memorize the entire introductory speech for a f*cking Bloodrunner’s game?”
“Yes.”
“How long have you been doing this?”
“When was the last time you saw me?”
“Huh.” That seems to put Sollux a little more at ease, seeing as he’s not scowling as much as he sits up in the tub. “That has to be the most complicated version of that joke anyone’s ever made.”
“I think we’re all kind of complicated.” You gesture at the collar as you step in with him. “Ready?”
“... You’re not going to take ‘no’ for an answer, are you.”
“Only if it’s the honest truth.”
It takes some time, but Sollux eventually sighs and leans forward, letting you get a good look at his neck. “Fine, you win. Just… just be quick, okay?”
It’s messy, slow work. Sollux is thankfully able to sit still through most of it, only offering the occasional flinch, but his hands are clenched so tightly into his thighs that his nails are in danger of ripping the fabric of his pants. The collar is sticky as you peel it off his neck, and the constant rubbing and pulling had done a number on his skin. Blood collects on the tile floor of the tub.
“Ow.”
“Yeah, I think some infection has started setting in.”
“You thi-ghk!” He grits his teeth as you continue to slowly pull it off. “F-fuuuuuck…”
“Aaaaand got it.” The last of the collar falls off in your hands and you drop it to the wayside. “I gotta look at your leg too, if that’s alright?”
“Fine, fine, you’re gonna find a way to get me to agree anyway.”
There’s a noticeable coloring to Sollux’s face as you drop his leg in your lap, and as you start to roll his pant leg up, you feel the fabric catch on something. Something that faintly glistens in the light of the bathroom lamp.
“... sh*t.”
“What?” he asks, “What is it?”
“Yeah, you’ve got glass in your leg, man.”
“Greeeaaaaaat…”
“Hold on, lemme grab something.” Standing up, you step out of the tub and grab your bag from the floor. Reaching in, you grab Wuzzy and hurry back to the tub, placing her in Sollux’s lap. “Here.”
“The f*ck am I supposed to do with this?”
“She helps me when I feel nervous. Maybe it can help you, too?’
“Seriously? What kind of wriggler carries around a stuffed lusus? That’s kind of childish, don’t you think?”
“News flash, asshole, I’m losing my childhood as we speak, so I’m allowed to do something like carry around a stuffed toy.” You cross your arms at him and even Wuzzy seems to be insulted, despite not actually being insulted, seeing as she’s an inanimate object. “And she comforts me, so there. I don’t think that’s any more of a sin than my entire existence.”
Sollux blinks at your outburst, then to your surprise, starts to look even guilty. He picks Wuzzy up, feeling the material she’s made out of under his thumb, then holds her to his chest. Your gazes meet, and he looks away.
“It’s just so you stop looking so upset. It’s… it’s not a good look on you.”
You scoot closer and lift his leg again. He yelps, gripping Wuzzy tightly, although you can sense it’s more out of surprise than pain, and you rest it in your lap. The blood is more from the glass stuck in it, but the visible skin is an ugly dark yellow bruise. “Yikes.”
“Could’ve told me that,” he says sarcastically. “I think it hurts more than the collar.”
“Mmhm. Now hold still.” Pulling a first-aid kit out of your backpack, you grab some tweezers and some cleaning fluid, and grab a handful of gauze while you’re at it. Carefully, you roll Sollux’s pant leg up to the edge of the wound, and notice with a hiss that he is, in fact, very skinny.
“This is stupid…”
“Shush.”
To his credit, Sollux only squirms a little as you remove the clear splinters, gripping Wuzzy so tightly you’re scared she might pop. He mostly takes the pain in silence, hissing and biting his lip every time you pluck glass from his leg, but he does whine a little when you clean the wound with the alcohol and gauze.
“Ow…”
“I know.”
“So how-sh*t-are you not dead? I saw Feurym smash your head like an egg.”
“I’m too smart and too boring to die. Hold still.”
“Why are you doing this?” he asks weakly, “You don’t even know me that well. We met on the train once, and then didn’t see each other again until now, and I haven’t exactly aged like fine wine personality-wise.”
“And?”
“Don’t you have anything better to do?”
“Not really, no. Besides, I’ll probably need to search for a different Bloodhouse looking for new Runners, although I might need to rebuild a name for myself before I can start making money again.”
“Because of me?”
“It had nothing to do with you winning, you wouldn’t be the first to beat me. But since the Ashen Cradle let me go, I needed a job, so-”
“sh*t, I’m so sorry…” Words seem to fail as Sollux presses the ball of his hand against his forehead, squeezing his eyes shut with a grimace. “I…”
You blink. Of all the reactions you expected, you never expected him to feel bad about it. Shame you for working at a Bloodhouse, maybe, but not apologize for it, especially since it wasn’t entirely his fault. Okay, maybe it partially was but he doesn’t have to know that, and it’s not like he did it on purpose.
“Hey, it’s no big deal.” Leaning forward, you move his hand from his face. “I’m just a wriggler trying to not get culled by a sh*tty ruler that thinks I deserve to either die or be used as public entertainment, and I do that by working a graveyard shift at a sh*tty gas station in the middle of ‘bumf*ck nowhere’. I’m no one special, really.”
“But-”
“Anyway, what’s done is done, I guess. You wanna continue?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever, anything to get this over with.” You pretend to not see tears pricking the corners of his eyes as you withdraw the messy gauze and let energy dance over your hand. “What’re you doing?”
“Give your body some information, basically. It can’t heal itself if it doesn’t know how.”
“Figures.” Sollux drops his head back against the door with a half-hearted chuckle. “Of course the f*cking highbloods can handle losing their arms and getting burnt and stomped on and somehow walk all of that off. I can’t even walk off a bruised leg-Ow!”
“Hold still,” you scold, “And hey, I just killed one of those highbloods, so like, they’re not really that special. They have long lifespans, sure, but that doesn’t make them immortal.”
“The Condesce might as well be.”
“The Condesce can get f*cked for all I care. Pretty sure she only stays alive by sucking up the life forces of the heiresses she kills in combat.”
Lime green fire dances around your hand and you run it over Sollux’s leg, letting it seep into the open wounds. He convulses, arching his back with a yelp, but he lets the energy sink into him, sewing the tissue and muscle back together until only the bruise remains.
Damnit, this is harder than I thought it was going to be…
“Hey!”
A hand grabs your wrist and your concentration is shattered. The energy dies and you almost pitch forward, feeling something wet trickle out of one of your eyes as Sollux barely catches you before you flop down on top of him. It’s like your think pan blinked out of existence for a sec, leaving an empty void where it was supposed to be.
“Stop pushing yourself!” he scolds, “Do you want to die again?”
“I can’t die, remember?” You touch your cheek, and your fingers come away covered in a thin line of blood. “It’s just been a while since I’ve had to use them so much. Might also be because of the lingering head trauma as well.”
“Uh, no? You never mentioned that little detail about you not being able to die, which would’ve saved me a lot of worry! And you looked pretty f*ckin’ dead back there with your pan fluids smeared all over the counter!”
“... You were worried about me?” you ask. No one’s ever worried about you before. You’ve never had anyone to worry about you before, and the people of Vilebirth made it very clear that they wouldn’t give a bigger sh*t about what happened to you.
Sollux blinks, then looks away with a low grumble. You notice he does that a lot when he’s embarrassed or when he has something to hide.
“Just… get this done already.”
“Okay. Take off your shirt.”
A beat of silence, and then Sollux back up against the wall so fast he does actually yelp from the pain in his ribs.
“WHAT?”
“I need to heal your ribs.” You don’t get why he’s making such a big deal out of it. “You’ve still got some bruising left that you probably don’t want hanging around.”
“O-oh…” Sollux blinks, then immediately looks like he wants to die on the spot. “Right… the bruising…”
You blink, but then you recognize the look in his eyes and sigh.
“... Dude, ask me out to dinner before your mind starts going there, damn.”
You might as well have tasered the poor guy yourself.
“I WASN’T-!”
“Oi, shut the f*ck up!” Through the wall, someone slams something against it hard enough to jostle dust down onto the two of you and you lift a wing to block it before the small bits of plaster rain down on your heads. The two of you flinch, and you turn back to Sollux, who looks like he wants the floor to swallow him and never spit him out.
“I wasn’t going to do anything weird, it’s just easier if I have direct contact with the skin and-”
“Can you not?” Sollux groans behind his arms as he presses them to his face, tilting his head back up to the ceiling. “I’m already making a big enough idiot out of myself right now, you don’t need to embarass me more…”
“Sorry…” you mumble, letting your healing energy swirl around in your hands, “I wasn’t going to do anything bad, really…”
It’s like a slap to the face and you can’t help but wonder if something really is that kind of wrong with you. You don’t know if this kind of stuff is somehow dipping into quadrant territory, but as you start to lower your hand, you’re stopped by a rough hand grabbing your wrist.
“... Fine.”
You look up. “Huh?”
Sollux stares at you for a moment before sitting up and nervously lifting his shirt. The bruises are a deep, dull yellow, and you can see the scratch marks from where the bottoms of Tytann’s boots pressed into his skin. Given how bony he is, you can’t imagine how much it must have hurt. Your eyes are also drawn to the two scars on his chest.
“Just… don’t make it weird.”
“I can take my shirt off too if you don’t want to feel weird.”
“Uh-” Sollux swallows. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Dude, chill. I wanna get out of these clothes anyway, they’re getting cold.” Not waiting for an invitation, you peel your shirt off and toss it to the side, ignoring the sting of the icy tiles against your back. Your skinny body nearly jolts from the sudden blast of cold as the air of the hotel room washes over you and you wrap your arms around yourself with a shudder.
“f*ck, it’s cold…”
“God damnit-!” Sollux’s shoes squeak against the floor of the tub as he scrambles back, averting his eyes. “What did I say about warning me? What the hell?”
“It’s fine.” You unwrap your arms, resting your weight on your palms as you lean back against the edge of the tub. He keeps his eyes averted, muttering curses. “You can look, I don’t have anything to hide.”
Ever the gentleman, Sollux refuses to look. You roll your eyes.
“I’m serious. I don’t have anything on me that requires you to look away. If you can look at a shirtless man, then you can look at me.”
“... What are you implying, Mari?”
“For f*ck’s sake-I don’t have anything for you to gawk at, dude. Now can you stop making this weird? Even I’m starting to feel self-conscious now.”
“What-?” Curiosity seems to win out, as Sollux lowers his arms and blinks. “Oh.”
“What?” You don’t think there’s much to worry about. You don’t have anything that requires him to avert his eyes, and yeah, you’re very skinny, but you don’t think it’s that bad.
“Nothing, I just-” He struggles to find the words. “I just… thought that-”
“Don’t worry, even if I did have anything under there, I’d still be pretty underwhelming to look at either way. You’d have more fun with a Playtroll magazine than with me.”
“I mean, you’re not that- wait, no, not like that!” Sollux blurts quickly as you raise an eyebrow. “I just… well, since you said that you…”
“I never really thought about how I would present myself, honestly. My old caretakers made me present like a boy before so I wouldn’t draw attention to myself, but… I dunno. The name ‘Mari’ always felt right to me and that’s a pretty feminine name, so here we are. Also, long hair is fun when it’s not damp and gross.” You shrug. “I’m not going to go all the way. I look and sound feminine enough, and I’m sticking to that. It’s my body and I get to decide how it looks.”
Sollux stares at you before sighing and lifting his shirt back up and giving you access to the bruises. “Alright, fine, let’s not make this weird…”
“You’re the one making it weird.”
“Shut up.”
Gently, you rest your hand on his chest and let the energy flow, mending the bruises and remaining fractures of his ribs. He feels abnormally skinny for someone of his age and height, but then again, it’s rare for a psionic goldblood to be able to balance a healthy diet and the amount of energy such powers burn, especially with the meager wages lowbloods get. You would know, it’s been a fight to keep yourself from blacking out due to hunger lately, especially with the job you had. So far only the mountains and forest have been able to provide you with anything substantial.
“So… you’re a limeblood, huh?” When you look up, Sollux quickly averts his gaze, fidgeting. “Didn’t think your caste was still around.”
“It’s just me kickin’ around, honestly. Just me and a bunch of old ghosts that are too angry to die.” You move your hand down and he shudders, a soft noise slipping out from the bottom of his throat. “You know, you’re taking this a lot better than I expected you to. If the Empire hates mutants and limebloods so much, imagine how they would feel knowing that something like me exists in Her Imperial c*ntescencion’s oh-so-perfect empire.”
“Are you only doing this because you want something in return? I’m not judging, I just-”
“I promised you that I wasn’t, didn’t I?”
“You saved my life and literally died. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want something in return.”
“Okay.” Locking Sollux in your gaze, you lean forward, face still. “I don’t want or expect anything in return.”
“Seriously?” Sollux winces as you move your hand up to his neck. “Nothing at all?”
“Mmhm.”
“Why?”
“Would you have demanded something out of me if our positions were switched?”
“Is this to hold some sorta moral high ground over me?”
“What’s the point? Even if you gave me money or a fancy mansion or fame, I’m a limeblood.” You shrug. “They’d probably just see me as some worthless stain deserving of being exterminated even if I was the most reverent follower of this planet’s stupid laws, anyway. I’m the equivalent of a bastard child. The antithesis of everything that everyone with a blood color cooler than green puts so much stock into maintaining.”
“What’s a bastard child?”
“I guess it would be what you guys would call a ‘mistake’ or a ‘waste of genetics’. Something that everyone agrees shouldn’t exist at all. Something no one wants. Something that would make the most desperate sons of bitches slit their throats before even trying to kiss me.” Staring down at your hands, you manage a half-assed snort. “I mean, I don’t think I’m that much of a threat, but then again, the great bitch in the sky flips her lid over a lot of things nowadays.”
For a moment, Sollux works his mouth, then turns, resting his hands on his legs. The lights overhead buzz and you fiddle with a strand of hair. You really want to take a shower.
“Here’s your whale back.” Wuzzy is placed back in your arms, and you notice he doesn’t call it “dumb” or anything like that. “And just… don’t, okay?”
“Don’t what?”
“Look, I don’t know you, alright? Hell, I don’t even know your damn name! I didn’t even know if you had a name! But you didn’t have to do all that sh*t and for some reason you did and- f*ck!” He shakes it head, rubbing the bridge of his nose between two fingers. “The point I’m trying to make is that… I dunno, you just don’t seem like someone who deserves to die all the time, if this-” He gestures around at the blood still on your body- “Is what you have to go through every night. And for the record-” He looks down at the floor- “I… don’t think you’re a ‘bastard child’ or whatever you want to call it.” He notices you staring and quickly composes himself. “But I still think you’re hella f*cking weird!”
You blink. No one’s ever said something like that to you before, let alone someone from outside of Vilebirth. You never thought anyone would extend any sympathy to you, a limeblood bastard with nothing to her name, but hearing it come from Sollux feels… comforting, in a way.
So as the words register in your mind, all you can do is huff a small noise akin to a laugh against your lips.
“What? What’s so funny now? Sorry for being f*cking genuine, didn’t realize that didn’t fly in Vilebirth, either-!”
“No, no, it’s just… you’re the first person to ever say that about someone like me. Outsiders aren’t usually so understanding when it comes to this kind of stuff.” You wipe some of the blood off your face. “So, um, thanks for not flipping out too much about it. That… means a lot.”
Smiling is not something you do often, but you manage to offer a small one and Sollux blinks before looking down at his hands. Despite his attempts to look unaffected, you don’t miss the darkening of the tips of his ears.
“Yeah, yeah. Just common decency. Not like you asked for this any more than I did, so what’s the point in being sh*tty about it?”
“We really got handed the short end of the evolutionary stick, didn’t we? To the twat decided that blood color decides where we go in life, I just want to talk.” You crack your knuckles. “With my fists.”
For the first time tonight, a small smirk works its way up the corners of Sollux’s mouth and he lowers his shirt with a huff of rough laughter. “Talking like that’s going to get you killed one day.”
You don’t laugh, but something inside you feels a little lighter and you shrug. “Meh. In Vilebirth, dying is as natural as breathing. I know what I checked in for. Besides, I’m going to be dodging the genetic draft for the rest of my life, I’ll be lucky if death is the punishment they choose for me.”
The silence between the two of you suddenly returns, and the two of you break eye contact before it becomes awkward. You’ve never held a conversation for this long before, let alone found enjoyment in talking with someone your age. Sollux returns to fiddling with his shirt, occasionally coughing quietly.
“So…” You brush some stray hair behind your shoulders. “... How do you feel?”
“I… feel way better.” He touches his ribs and neck, which are now mostly free of bruises, and looks down at his now-healed leg. “Holy sh*t.”
“Like I said, you are taking this way better than I thought you would.”
“I can hear the voices of the soon-to-be-dead, this wouldn’t be the first time someone died in front of me and it’s probably not going to be my last, so I think flipping out about you killing three people in front of me would just be a waste of time. Besides, not like anything bad happened, and I’m too tired to freak out over stuff not worth freaking out over.”
“You can hear the dead?”
“Yeah, it’s a whole thing. No need to get into extensive detail about it.”
“Fair. I can see past deaths.”
“What?”
“Yeah, I can see ghosts and stuff sometimes. Usually in places where death’s really concentrated. It’s not fun but it’s better than me living in blissful ignorance of what became of my caste.”
“I feel like that’s a pretty f*cked up way to live.”
“I’m a f*cked up person from a f*cked up caste with a f*cked up history.”
“... Fair.” He pulls his knees up to his chest. “So now what?”
“Well, that depends,” you say with a shrug. “Have you had dinner yet?”
“I’m not hungry.” As if on cue, Sollux’s stomach gives a loud growl, and you quickly slap a hand to your mouth to stifle a giggle. The flustered glare he gives you does not help his case.
“Sollux Captor,” you say, reigning in your amusem*nt before you embarrass him more, “You are a terrible liar.”
“Bite me!” he snaps back, “It’s been a week!”
“Nah, s’cool. You can get first dibs at the shower. I’ll grab us something to eat from downstairs.”
“Mari, you really don’t have to-”
“Hey, it’s fine, I gotta drop our clothes off to dry them anyway.” You shrug. “I mean, we could always-”
You’re almost immediately shoved out of the bathroom before you can even finish your sentence.
“I was going to say that we could have a sleepover! That’s all I was going to say!”
“Then next time say it when we’re both not in the tub!”
“And? There’s literal public ablution halls all over Alternia, at least we’re not full-on strangers!”
“Just go get the food!” The door clicks open and you’re struck full force with damp clothes. Looks like his psionics are back online. “And can you cut it with the innuendos?”
“You’re the one who thought we were going to-!”
“MARI!” The pubescent crack in his voice is almost cute.
“Okay, okay, I’m going, jeez!”
Gathering the clothes in your arms, you peel off the rest of yours and grab one of the robes from the hangers. It smells like the last person who wore it and hangs off of you like a ghostly, dirty sheet, but it’s better than nothing.
“I’m heading out!” you call. Sollux doesn’t reply, but you make sure to close the door loudly enough for him to hear as you grab your backpack and leave the room.
This hotel isn’t very fancy, you’ve heard stories of the borderline palaces outside of the Vilebirth, but by the standards you were raised by, this one’s pretty good.
The rising steam clouds your vision as you stare up at the ceiling soaking yourself in the warmth and your own thoughts. Before you had left your hive, you would’ve expected to walk home and pass out without eating again, spending yet another drag of a night alone and tired and unfulfilled. But here you are, hanging out with someone your age in a “fancy” hotel after nearly dying a bunch of times. What a night.
I hope this isn’t some trick. It would suck if this turned out to be some kind of elaborate lie. You sink deeper into the tub, the water lapping at your cheeks. But then again, if that whole thing at the gas station was a sham, then I don’t think those guys would’ve gone as hard on him as they did. Besides, Sollux doesn’t seem like the type to lie. He’s bad at it, anyway.
Once you finish your bath, you dry off and get dressed. Sollux is still sitting on the couch, having left your now-dry clothes by the door for you. Alternia sucks, but it gets points for its fast wash and dry cycle.
“Well, I’m done.” You catch the bag as he tosses it to you and grab the small sack of bones you grabbed from the downstairs store. Casually popping one in your mouth, you absentmindedly chew on it until you feel eyes burning into the side of your head. “Yes, Sollux?”
“Are you…?” Your guest chews his lip, fidgeting nervously. “Are you eating bones?”
“Uh, yeah?”
“... Are they-?”
“Such a drama queen. These are lusus bones, and I’m not the one who killed them. Besides…” You bite down hard and the bone shatters with a crack, and you admittedly get a kick the way Sollux shudders from head to toe at the sound. “... I eat ‘em for the crunch.”
As you continue to gnaw and crunch away, Sollux’s grimace only grows in intensity.
“Gross.”
“You’ll be saying that until your adult fangs start coming in all the way,” you quip back, “Then you’ll be begging for something to chew on, especially with those fangs of yours.”
“I already get migraines that would split that little head of yours open, I can handle some dental pain.”
“Big talk. Let’s see if you can stick to it.”
“Ha.”
Outside, the bustle of Vilebirth has died down into a peaceful quiet. Through the thick clouds, the sky cast a deep, dull gray over the entire city, filling the room with a ghostly pale light. The two of you stare out the tiny window in silence.
“So this is what Vilebirth looks like during the day?”
“Mmhm.” You finish the last of your bones and toss the bag in the trash.
“Huh. You almost can’t tell the sun’s out with all the rain.”
“Yup. This entire area from the mountains to the ocean is covered in all these clouds so we can run it hard all day, every day as long as we don’t step out of the city when it’s daytime.”
“But no one’s outside.”
“Hey, we’re still trolls. We have the same internal clock as any of you. There’s probably a few day wanderers out there, but most of us are supposed to be asleep by now, me included.” You yawn. “And on top of that, I think we’ve both had a pretty eventful night, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, I guess that’s fair.” There’s a beat of silence before he points a nervous finger at the bed. “So… how’re we going to go about this?”
“Sleep on the bed or the couch, duh.”
“There’s really no recuperacoon around here?”
“Another old hotel tried to implement them and the entire thing collapsed into a pile of dust on the day of its grand opening, so everyone’s too scared to even smuggle one into Vilebirth cuz of some old superstitions. So no, you probably won’t find a recuperacoon anywhere in this place. Even suggesting it might get your tongue cut out if you mention it around the wrong crowd.”
“... You can have the bed. I’ll take the couch.”
“Huh? Wouldn’t it be more comfortable for you? I know I healed your injuries but your body still needs time to recover.”
“I mean, unless there’s an invisible recuperacoon in here, I don’t think I’m getting much sleep anyway, so...”
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. Something about this place mutes that part of your subconscious. You could fall asleep on the street and you would be fine.”
“Uh-”
“Hey, I can sleep on the couch. Wouldn’t be the first time.”
“C’mon, you saved my ass so many times already. I’d feel like a massive douchebag if I made you sleep on the couch after you stuck your neck out for me so many times. I mean, you lost both of your jobs because of me, right? The least I can do is let you take the bed.”
“And you’ve taken one hell of a beating.” You jab a finger at him. “You need it more than me.”
“You’re one stubborn chick, you know that?”
“I’d prefer the term ‘courteous’.”
“Courteous, shmorteous, just take the bed. I just need some sleep and my body will be back to its old self in the morning. I mean, not a huge improvement, but at least it’ll be normal.”
“... What if we just shared the bed?”
Sollux pauses, staring at you as if you suggested he run naked through the streets. “What.”
“We could just share the bed, that way everyone wins.” You shrug. “It’s no big deal.”
“... Mari, I don’t say this lightly, but are you aware of the words that come out of your mouth whenever you talk?”
“I, in fact, am aware of what I say.” You stretch, another yawn pulling itself out of you. “I’m gonna go brush my teeth then go to bed. Feel free to join me when you do the same.”
“W-wait, hold on a sec-” Sollux stammers weakly, defeated. “I really can take the couch, it’s fine-” His entire point is contradicted as his movements make him jolt, pressing his hand to his ribs with a grunt of pain. “f*ck…”
“You were saying?”
“... Damnit.”
Three minutes later you’re lying on the bed, watching Sollux as he visibly tries not to look at you while brushing his teeth after you made him do it. It’s almost as if he thinks you’ll rip his head off or something should he break eye contact with his reflection in the mirror.
“Are you alright? You look like someone shoved a stake up your arse.”
“Can we please stop talking right now?” He spits the toothpaste out in the sink and rinses out his mouth. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure-?”
“Yes, I am completely sure that I am perfectly fine!” Sollux wipes his mouth and marches over to stand beside you, his expression a poor mask of resolve. He does not, in fact, look perfectly fine.
“Alright, come join me then. Your side’s getting cold.”
“Don’t rush me,” Sollux gripes as he shuffles in place. That seems to be a habit he has, playing with his hands when he’s nervous.
“First time sharing a bed?”
“... N-no,” he mumbles, looking down, “It’s just my first time lying down while sleeping. How do you know my subconscious won’t act like a bitch the whole day? I’m not from here, maybe whatever keeps your head from screaming won’t affect me?”
“I mean, a lot of outsiders come in here just to do stuff with what Vilebirth offers, but you’re here for the same reason as us, so maybe it’ll grant you some mercy?”
“You’re acting as if this city’s alive.”
“Just come lie down.”
The seconds tick by before Sollux hesitantly lifts his knee onto the bed and slowly pulls himself up with trembling hands. You don’t know how to make him feel less nervous, you don’t see why he would be nervous, but you figure that you should try to help somehow. You can’t say anything, he flips his lid whenever you open your mouth, so you rack your brain for alternative solutions.
Ah. You think back to what you saw once through a closed window, of a lady reaching out with gentle hands to guide her partner for the evening onto the bed. You saw the way her partner’s silhouette relaxed, the sag of their shoulders, the subtle movement of their lips…
And then Altair quickly guided you away and lectured you about invading a bloodhouse worker’s privacy and that was that.
Maybe something like that, but without the implications.
Without really thinking, you reach up and touch Sollux’s face. There’s some warmth to his body, a pulsing throb of heat under his skin, and his hair is scruffy and coarse yet still kind of soft, like the fur of a large barkbeast, not the cute, fluffy little ones highbloods carry around in their purses. You can feel the uneven lengths where he cut it himself, and you can imagine him sitting in his ablution block, struggling with scissors like you did when you gave yourself your first proper haircut.
“Uh-”
And as if you didn’t make this entire situation more cringe-worthy, you wink. You don’t know why you wink, it just feels like something that would somehow magically make this less awkward. Well, you’re wrong. You couldn’t be more wrong even if you tried.
You might as well have asked the poor f*cker if he actually wanted to make out. The reaction happens so fast you would need to rewatch it in slow motion to see the instantaneous change in expression, the rapid building of tension as Sollux’s eyes go wide and he scrambles backwards with a high-pitched shriek, nearly tripping over himself and falling onto his ass if not for the wall catching his back. His face is visibly a very bright gold.
sh*t.
“Uh…” Sitting up in bed, you pull a leg over the edge and Sollux backs away even more, practically flat against the wall by the time you retract it. “Okay, no, I’ll stay over here for now.” You give him a once-over. “You good, man?”
“Uh, yeah, yeah, I’m-I’m fine! I’m perfectly fine and normal! Nothing weird is happening! It’s almost comical how fine and normal I am right at this very moment!” There’s a jump in pitch as Sollux continues to ramble. “Why the f*ck wouldn’t I be fine?”
“Then do you wanna come back over here?” A rapid shaking of the head is the reply you receive and you tilt your head in confusion.“But didn’t you just say-?”
“I think I can live with the nightmares.” There’s so much finality to that sentence.
“Are you sure-?”
“VERY.”
“O-oh…” You fall back into the bed as Sollux storms past, making a beeline towards the couch. “Okay. Have a good sleep.”
“Uh-huh. Yeah. Cool.”
Without another word, Sollux places his glasses on the table, climbs into the couch and curls up, and the conversation is over.
It’s been three hours, and you still can’t sleep. You don’t dare turn around, but judging by the silence behind you, Sollux is out like a light, which suits you just fine.
God, stupid, stupid, stupid, why did I say all that AAAAAAAAAA-
Smacking your head with the back of your hand, you stare out the clouded window onto the empty streets, watching the sky slowly glow a slightly brighter blue-gray as the sun continues its lazy crawl across the Alternian sky, heralding the coming dusk. Rain still pours down on the streets, making fog collect on the windows in blurry clouds of condensation and cold.
You wouldn’t be surprised if you just blew any chance of making a proper friend. How long has it been since you last interacted with someone your age, let alone someone from outside of Vilebirth? You’ve never even used Trollian. You’re completely cut off from everyone, and even when you’re surrounded on all sides by passersby, you still feel… lonely. Being the last of your caste doesn’t really help, either.
I wonder if anyone else feels this way, you think to yourself, I mean, I’m sure it must be a universal feeling to some people… right? I mean, loneliness is part of knowing you exist, I just… Never mind. You cut off the train of thought before it gets too existential. Just go to sleep, you can take Sollux home in the evening and everything will be fine.
Just as you’re about to try and make yourself sleep, there’s movement behind you as something softly drops against the floor, making the boards creak as the bed dips, slightly tugging you back. Warmth washes against your skin as the rustling sheets twitch under the weight of the body now lying next to you, your backs barely close enough to even perceive the possibility of touching.
“... Sollux?”
“Not one word.” You hear him shift in place. “I don’t want this to be any more awkward than it has to be.
“Okay.”
As the two of you lie there in silence, listening to the wind blow through Vilebirth, you find yourself speaking again.
“So… What have you been up to for the past few sweeps?”
“Seriously, you’re trying to make small talk now?”
“I mean, we’re already lying in a bed together, maybe this can make the entire situation less awkward.”
“I don’t think an act from the divine and mirthful or whatever the clown cults preach can make the situation any less awkward.”
Yup, nothing about him has changed that much. Still as prickly as he was the last time I saw him.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“What.”
“Back there, you said that you had nowhere else to go. Why?”
“I feel like that question answers itself.”
“Sollux,” you continue, a small cloud of unease seeping into your gut, “Did you come here knowing how dangerous it was?”
“...”
“Did you… want to-?”
“I think you know the answer to that.”
The silence is so loud as you wait for a response, but then you realize that you’re already getting your answer. Like Sollux said before, the question answers itself.
“I… That’s…”
“... Yeah, yeah, rub my own stupidity in my face. I’ll bet that idea sounds sooo stupid in hindsight, I get it.”
“You’d be the first. Most outsiders come here with a disgusting admiration for this place.”
“No sh*t?”
“Deadass. I’ve lived here all my life, so I can say it’s not even close to the paradise Alternians make it out to be.” You run your hand over the mattress in front of you. “The people here suck. It’s a barkbeast-eat-barkbeast world where if you don’t keep the cogs oiled and rolling, you just get crushed under them and eaten. You either sell your time, like me, or you sell your body and soul to either get beaten up or killed for someone’s entertainment, or you sell it for pleasure. There’s nothing noble or glorious about either. We’re just trolls trying to survive in a world that doesn’t want us, and it makes us do stupid things to hold onto whatever borrowed time we have.”
Your tirade is greeted with silence, and you sigh, rubbing your wrist.
“Sorry. Shouldn’t be dumping this all on you. You’ve had a rough enough night as is.”
No answer.
“And you don’t have to tell me why you came here if you don’t want to.” You pull yourself away from him, curling up to take up less space. “I’m sorry for prying.”
Silence falls upon the two of you again, but before you can let the conversation go completely, Sollux speaks again.
“Why are you making such a big deal out of getting me out of here?”
“I mean, I don’t just want to leave you here. If you ask me, that’d be just as sh*tty as handing you over.”
“It’s not gonna matter.”
“What do you mean? Of course it would matter.”
“Would it?” Sollux asks numbly, “I’m gonna go back and nothing will change. This isn’t some life-changing experience that’ll magically make me a smarter, stronger person, I’m still just… this.” He weakly gestures to all of him. “I’m just some stupid goldblood who’s gonna end up all strung up in wires inside the hull of some starship while some stupid highbloods drink co*cktails and walk all over me, literally.” Defeated, Sollux huddles into the mattress, shivering. “Tytann was right. I’m just doing all this to show off.”
When you answer with silence, Sollux continues, and you wonder if he’s even talking to you anymore. It feels more like he’s talking to the air as if it’s the only thing that will listen.
“I mean, while everyone gets to go on and become war heroes or whatever, I get to stop being a person when I hit adulthood, so does it really matter whether or not I go back?” He chuckles darkly. “My life, my memories, my friends… it’s all just going to matter less and less until I finally croak and forget about them. Everything that makes me who I am will be pointless, and then some other blind, naive hotshot’s going to replace me and while they toss my corpse out of the airlock or The Condesce keeps me alive forever out of some sick attachment if she ends up growing…” He shudders. “... Fond of me until I forget everything and-” He cuts off with a shuddering breath, composes himself and sighs. “I’m nothing, and that’s all anything I do is going to amount to. So what’s the f*cking point?”
To be born into Vilebirth is considered one of the biggest embarrassments by Alternian standards. To be a part of this place is to say that not even the weirdest lusus wanted you. That you are not the one the cults awaited. You are not the second coming of the Signless, and you are not anything special. By all accounts, Sollux is unfortunately right about a lot of things, but at the same time…
“Well, this may seem wild, but I think I kind of get how you feel.” There’s a dubious rustle. “Well, not word for word, but I kind of get that feeling of feeling like you’re nothing. But you said you have friends, right? Surely they care about you.”
“Yeah, they do now. But what’s that going to be like in, like, ten sweeps or so? They get to be soldiers and mechanics and fleet captains and all that stuff, that’s what their blood colors were hatched for. My caste is just made to be used as tools to power ships. Inevitable obsolescence runs in our veins.”
“But-”
“Don’t try to make me feel better,” Sollux snaps quietly, but there’s some tiredness to his voice that dulls the edges of his voice, “That’s the truth and I’ve made peace with it. You don’t have to try and cheer me up, I wouldn’t want to dump that on anyone.”
As the two of you lie there in silence, you wonder if anyone can ever make peace with that fact. You know it’s thousands of sweeps worth of social conditioning talking when you say that there’s nothing that either of you can do, but part of you has to wonder if either of you have truly made peace with that horrible truth.
Slowly, you scoot until you’re lightly pressed against Sollux’s back and feel him tense, but you’re greeted with silence instead of a sharp-tongued protest. You take that as a good sign.
“Well, the limebloods always believed that no one ever really died until they were hated or forgotten. I like to think that applies here, at least.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Even if they do forget you, the imprints you leave on their lives won’t fade. Maybe they pick up a habit or two from you that becomes a part of how they act.” You don’t move closer but gently nudge him with your heel. “Maybe one ends up adopting your smartass mouth.”
“Get to the point, Mari.”
“My point is that we’re all the culmination of the people we let into our lives. It’s like… um… carvings in a stone wall. The people who made them are dead and gone and can never be named, but the marks are still left behind and everyone can see them. People don’t know your name or what you look like, but they know your impact on this world, and so what if it’s just a few? As long as there’s one person left to remember you fondly, even if it’s through what you leave behind, nothing ever truly dies.”
“We’re not exactly the type to respect the dead.”
“And?”
Sollux doesn’t reply to your existential tirade, and you feel a small burst of panic. Could you have worded that better? Maybe you shouldn’t have asked the initial question that started this at all. Maybe you were better off just staying quiet and letting him sleep next to you without realizing you’re still awake.
“... I’m here because I did something bad.”
“Oh?”
“I killed someone.”
You blink. You’ve come face to face with the foulest souls to ever crawl out of the Mother Grub’s ass, and you’ve done so enough time to recognize the cold gaze that shines in their eyes even behind the most convincing of masks. You never once saw that in Sollux. He doesn’t share their burning hate for everything that breathes.
“Why?”
“... I don’t know. I didn’t want to, she-she was my…” He takes a shuddering breath. “She was someone I cared about a lot. And now she’s dead because of me.”
Ah.
“I killed someone, too.” Better go for the redirection route for this. “Two someones, in fact.”
“Is saying that supposed to make me feel better? Because if that's what you’re trying to do, then it’s not working.”
“I know,” you say with a sigh, “I think I just default to trying to relate because I’m not that good at any other way of trying to empathize, I guess.”
“You really are weird,” Sollux says, then he sighs. “But I guess I can’t really hate you for that.”
“And you’re a goldie too proud for his own good and with a mouth too fast for your think pan,” you quip back. “So I guess we’re even.”
Sollux scoffs, and the silence that befalls the two of you is less awkward this time around. It reminds you of that train ride. It feels weird thinking back on that now, it doesn’t feel too long ago, even with how much the two of you have changed.
“... I got into coding. I mean, I’ve always been into it, but I’ve kinda got a small gig set up a while back. Makes good money with the right clients n’ stuff… when they need it.” Sollux’s tone shifts into one of poorly-concealed pride. “I also have my own set-up for tech work. It’s all easy stuff, even a wriggler with a bad eye could fix them if they tried, but whatever, not like I have much else to do.”
“Is it like your job?”
“Pretty much. Kinda like freelance, which as you can see is doing me wonders financially. Took me sweeps to save up for my own PC and Game Grub system to even pull off this kind of stuff in the first place. I am truly living the Alternian dream of living out of paychecks, a periodic income smaller than my longest horn and convenience store food. Revel in my financial stability.”
“We don’t really have any of those things in Vilebirth. You just have to hope you’re lucky and find a salvageable one in the dump like I did. Not that I had any other reason to use it other than watching Bloodhouse streams so I could scope out my competition.”
“Seriously? I would think you guys would have, like, knock-offs or illegal shipments or whatever.”
“Nope. At most we have basic products like what was on sale in the store, but you’d have to be one of the Bloodhouse heads or whatever to afford a big security risk like shipping in a computer. The most tech you’ll find here is illegal weaponry. Hell, the stun gun Tytann used was an illegal model that can only be bought at black markets. They got banned because getting hit by them ended up killing goldbloods when the helmshunters who used them got too overzealous.”
“Huh. Feurym probably gave it to him, she’s always been kinda shady. Most helmshunters are since they can get away with a lot.”
“Yeah. So if you’re a computer guy, you would be even more miserable here. You would definitely not get your active screen time in a way that’s considered safe. If anything you’d get robbed blind.”
“Ha ha, very funny.” Sollux huffs, lightly nudging your shoulder. “What about you? You said you had another job back then, right? What was it?”
“Um… not exactly something I’m proud of, but I was still a Bloodhouse worker. Just not a Runner at the time.”
“... Oh.” Sollux is quiet for a moment. “O-Oh…”
“Not like that,” you say quickly, “But I was placed in a cage and put on display for the rich clientele with a bunch of others who were weird even by mutant standards. They didn’t know I was a limeblood, but, well…” You unfurl your wings, lightly pressing them against his back. “These didn’t help much, either.”
“I’m guessing they didn’t know about the shadow powers of whatever, either?”
“Nope.”
“What’s that all about, anyway? I’m not going to pretend to be a huge nerd about genetics or whatever, but I don’t think any psionic caste in existence has ever been able to do stuff like that. You’re like a character out of an anime.”
“What’s anime?”
“... You don’t-?”
“I know what anime is, I’m just messing with you.” You roll your eyes with a mocking scoff. “I’m not a f*cking normie.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, you look like one.”
It’s not meant to be an outright insult and you can tell, but you still respond by literally kicking Sollux in the ass and hear a furious squawk behind you as you nearly send him off the bed.
“Hey!”
“This normie saved your life, you dweeb.”
“You certainly talk like a normie.”
“You have a face like a normie.”
“Real mature.”
“Pot, kettle,” you quip back and hear Sollux huff an amused scoff. “But yeah, after we met, my old caretakers tried to kill me. I killed them then burned the Bloodhouse I used to work at down. It was labeled as a flaw in the infrastructure or whatever, I was kind of out of it for a while when the reports came in. I also killed the guy who ran the place and got his body burned to ash.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah.” You shrug. “I guess we’ve both got dealt sh*tty hands, huh.”
“Yeah…”
Turning onto your back, you turn and gently pat him on the shoulder.
“I’m… sorry that I can’t say anything that’ll magically make you feel better. If it makes you feel any better, I wish things didn’t have to be this way. You’re too nice of a guy for that.”
“Ha!” Sollux scoffs, “If this is your idea of nice then this place must really suck! And it really doesn’t, honestly. That’s why I told you not to try in the first place.” He sighs, and to your surprise, turns to look at you. “But as f*cked up as it is, I’m kinda glad you’re not trying to make light of my situation or give me empty promises. It’s been a while since someone’s been real about everything involving adulthood or, y’know, heard a mentally unstable lowblood like me out about my sh*tty prospects instead of being all ‘Oh, it’s okay, Sollux, it won’t be that bad! Maybe they’ll be nice and let you have a window seat when they string you up like a butchered hogbeast in a chop shop!’.” You huff a small laugh at his mock attempt at a high-pitched singsong voice and he smiles. “See? You’re not the only comedian in the room.”
“Yeah, that’s fair. As far as I’m concerned, adulthood can take it up the ass.”
“Yeah.” He looks down, messing with the loose parts of the mattress cover. “Hey, can I ask you something now?”
“Hit me.”
“Why are you trying to make me feel better?” Sollux asks quietly, but he doesn’t sound irritated or resigned anymore, just confused. “You don’t even know me all that well.”
“Do I even need a reason? Also we sat mere feet away from each other in a tub while shirtless, I think we know each other a little better now.”
“Don’t even with the altruism, everyone does something for a reason.” He shrugs. “You can tell me, I won’t get mad.”
The question does require some thought, so you connect the bumps and cracks on the ceiling. In truth, you don’t really know why you’re trying, but it just feels right. In such a desolate place, life is as meaningless as it can get, and the mystery of why Vilebirth’s residents keep kicking will most likely remain a mystery that will never be solved. There is no reason to hold onto hope, so why care at all?
“Well, I don’t know for sure right now, but I guess I don’t want you to feel that way. I don’t think anyone should feel like they’re nothing.” You reach out and draw a line in the fog collecting on the window. “I don't want anyone to feel this way.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Probably, yeah.” You shrug. “But that’s how I feel.”
Silence falls upon the room, but then you feel Sollux shift as he looks up at the ceiling.
“... Jeez, I’m probably going to regret this… What if I did something for you? That way we can break even.”
“Like…?”
“Like getting you out of Vilebirth.”
You blink, then let out a noise akin to laugh.
“Ha! Offering something like that after saying you’ll regret it is certainly a way to go about it.”
“Shut it! I’m trying, okay? I get it, I’m pessimistic as sh*t but… I don’t like leaving debts unpaid, I guess? Ugh, that sounded so edgy, ew.”
“You’re a very edgy guy.”
“Says the girl who bites people.”
“I’ll bite you.”
“Please don’t.”
You chuckle and Sollux blinks before huffing a sarcastic laugh against his lips. The two of you lie there in peaceful silence as the rain fills the room with white noise. You yawn and stretch, watching the reflections of the raindrops snake down the glass. What’s usually a time for existential dread and getting lost in your thoughts is now just… peaceful. You can’t think of a better word than that.
“It’s a kind offer,” you say, “But I’m going to have to decline. If things went ass-up, we’re both getting culled for ‘treason’.”
“Then how about for a night? Just so you can say you’ve been.”
“Why, Mister Captor, if I didn’t know any better, I would think you were asking me out on a date.” You place your hand on your chest in mock surprise. “And here you said we didn’t know each other well.”
“... f*ck, it does, doesn’t it.” He rubs a hand down his face, grimacing with embarrassment. “You know, what, forget I said anything, that was so stupid…”
“Nah, I think it was sweet.”
“More like corny.”
You stare up at the ceiling, but deep down your mind is racing. Turns out Sollux isn’t the only one thinking about taking a big gamble tonight.
“But just out of curiosity…” Turning onto your side, you look at him, tilting your head so your cheek smushes against the pillow. “... What did you have in mind?”
“I dunno, like, a night out on the town or whatever the hell you guys call it. Nothing big or special, but… I just felt like you would want a change of scenery.”
“A change of scenery that would kill me.”
“Look, you don’t have to say yes, I just thought… never mind, it was stupid to even suggest that, I think the lack of sleep’s finally starting to hit me, haha…”
He laughs, but you can tell that he’s internally screaming. You’d recognize that look anywhere.
“Well, I suppose I’m not getting any younger and the clock ticking down to my inevitable death isn’t stopping for anything. f*ck it, let’s do this.” You sit up and stretch, looking down at him with more conviction than you ever recall having. “Take me out of this place, just for one night. Blow me away.”
You suppose he expected you to follow along with his attempts to backpedal, or even be disgusted by the offer, because Sollux stares up at you with owlish blue and red eyes. “Wait, you’re-you’re actually serious?”
“Hey, it’s more dignified than whatever the hell Tytann thought I did for a living, and my schedule’s just been completely cleared indefinitely, so yeah, I’m serious.” You lean against your legs. “Blow me away, starboy.”
“Don’t call me starboy.” He sighs, flopping back against the pillow. “I’m really f*cking sleep deprived, man…”
“I gathered. So where are you going to take me?”
“That depends.” He turns and looks at you, and to your surprise, flashes you a fanged grin. “Where do you want to go?”
